My birthday and Jasper Whitlock, among other things

Just this weekend - Saturday, to be precise - it was my 108th birthday. Though I'm not very party-happy, unlike Alice, this year was an unusually quiet celebration. Simply me and Bella, out in our meadow, together under the rare sun. I've been away from these blogs for that reason - I have better things to do on my birthday than to waste time on my brothers.

However, when I returned home, I did so to no birthday wishes other than from Rose, Alice, and Esme - and instead of the aforementioned lovely birthday wishes, I came home to none other than a list of things that should supposedly annoy me. Most of the items on that list were pointless, not irritating; but it did get me interested in lists. I spent some more time with my Bella, and we came up with a list that Jasper seemed to have omitted from his collection.

10 Ways to Annoy Jasper Hale

10. Beg him not to eat you.

9. Inform him that he seems to be the “depressed” Cullen.

8. Go up to him, look him in the eye and ask if he is hungry.

7. Spell his name with two “a”’s (Jaspar) and call him Jaspar Cullen. When he objects, saying his name is Jasper Hale, wave your hand at him and tell him all that blood must have gone to his brain.

6. Tell him only girls feel emotions. Then giggle and run away.

5. Dress up in a cape and fangs and leap out in front of him when he is least expecting it, proclaiming you have come to suck his blood.

4. Send out waves of lust and see how he reacts.

3. When he gets too close, make your fingers into the sign of the cross and cry, “The power of Christ compels you!”.

2. Splatter red paint all over his and Alice’s room and videotape his reaction.

And the Number One way to annoy Jasper Hale?

1. Whenever he says anything, snap to attention, shout “Sir, yes sir!” and salute, army style.

Perhaps Jasper shouldn't have posted his lists on my birthday. Then, he wouldn't have to face this - and everything else I have in store for him.

Emmett and his disturbing fetishes.

Jasper has already taken a hit at Emmett today - a rather admirable one, if I do say so myself - but I'm not sure that's quite enough. Emmett has taken more than enough shots at me, and I think now's the time to get back at him.

First of all, would someone like to tell me why anyone would want to be Emmett's 'bro-lover', as Emmett himself put it? That's quite disturbing - especially seeing what those two were doing with their play guns as they were talking about each other. Emmett is, no doubt, the dirtest man I've ever known - not that I didn't know that before.

It seems that, while Emmett and his bro-lover, Ryan, were exchanging disturbing looks with each other, they mentioned a photoshoot. One can only wonder if this photo was part of the shoot, and if so, what other kinds of photos went into completing the photoshoot.

Perhaps his Ryan was 'snuggling' underneath with him? Not to mention - if you take a close look at Emmett's hands, you'll see the obvious French manicure. It's clear to me who wears the pants in this relationship.

It also seems that, when not keeping up pretenses for Rose and doing 'photoshoots' (if you ask me, that's not exactly all they're doing) with his bro-lover, Ryan, Emmett enjoys spending time with none other than Hilary Duff - and seemingly spending time with her inside elevators while she sings of 'just doing it with love'.

I don't think I'm the only one hearing a double entendre in that one, am I right, Emmett?

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Jasper attacked Bella, and then took two cheap shots at me.

Would that be considered fair to me? No - no, not in anyone's definition of fair, I'm sure, except those who enjoy schadenfreude - German for 'taking pleasure in others' pain'. I admit, my shot at Alice probably wasn't the easiest thing for Jasper to take - which, admittedly, doesn't say much about his character - but I understand how that could have made him upset.

Bella, though? Attacking my Isabella? That was uncalled for - especially since I haven't been with her nearly as long as Emmett's been with Rose and Jasper's been with Alice. My Bella doesn't need this sort of idiocy in her life.

So, as the quote goes, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold,' and Jasper's about to eat a very cold meal.

As another quote goes, 'Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear,' and as I was just speaking of Jasper, I see it fitting for him to appear.




Could this be the reason that Alice recently became very interested in the art of hairdressing?

And, not to omit the other two, whom I'm sure will find another way to attack me in the very near future, here's a video, posted on www.youtube.com, that showcases three girls who have obviously foreseen who the true winner of this so-called 'blog war' will be.

Crossed the Line

This is too much.

Carlisle - really? My adoptive father; the one who changed me, the one I've respected for a century - stooping to Emmett's level? I think that this beyond ridiculous. Emmett, insinuating that I - that I believed that Esme was putting out when I was simply trying to make a point of how generous and kind our adoptive mother can be with us? How she allows him to believe insanities like his faith in himself as being 'the sex'? Preposterous.

But I am beyond being treated this way. It's time for revenge.

I never thought this would happen. I do have standards; might I say, higher than Jasper's and almost a million times higher than Emmett's. And now, I find myself stooping to his level - joining my adoptive father in the puddle of shame that is Emmett's squalid room. I'm not sure how Rose stands that.

Speaking of Emmett and Rose, I wonder what my dear sister would think of this.




Following the style of my dear brothers and father, I might want to ask you;

• I'm wondering why Emmett's locking lips with someone other than his Rose, his 'babe', as he says. Perhaps you have a better idea than me? Perhaps Rose herself has one?
• Now that I take a closer look - the little pixie with him looks suspiciously like Alice, when she was going through her phase with longer hair. I would never be one to say this about Esme, but Alice; her small, mischievious pixie body has its needs, and who knows if Jasper is enough to satisfy them? His quiet, pained exterior may not be enough for my malevolent sister. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Enough for now. I've destroyed my brothers enough for one night.

Alice should know that I was simply poking fun at her - Jasper deserves the brunt of the insults; after all, he's the one that can't satisfy you, right? And everyone knows that real men should be able to naturally satisfy their women.

Jasper And Emmett Can Be Quite Irksome When They'd Like To Be.

Writing that survey - it was never my intention to let things grow this big, this huge. It has grown exponentially without my consent; first Emmett, then Jasper joined in.

Recently - not three hours ago - Carlisle joined us. I'm not sure if these are only my thoughts on this, but I'm almost sure it doesn't signal something particularly pleasant when your adoptive father gets involved. We'll see what happens after Carlisle continues posting - though I'm quite sure that Jasper and Emmett won't pick on him as much as I'm sure they will continue to do with me.

Dear /Em-bear/ seems to think he is 'the sex' - well, frankly, I'm not quite sure where he got this idea. I don't think anyone but Rose could ever have encouraged him in this fickle belief - well, perhaps Esme. She is so giving that she might give a little too much for Emmett's insane faith in himself.

Jasper is having an identity crisis - well, well. He may not be questioning his own sexuality - Alice keeps him quite straight enough for that - but Maria, it appears, has blurred the lines; become a little ambiguous for the rest of us. I'm not quite sure what Alice will think of his fears - all I can assume is that it won't be anything warm and fuzzy.

Some people are so annoying sometimes. And, of course, it's always me that ends up stuck.

Because Emmett is /not/ the sex, nor will he ever be.

It's quite annoying when your brothers are trying to get on your nerves and you're stuck living with them for eternity.

I don't know what I would have done if I had met them in my human life. I probably would have tried to murder them myself - or at the very least I would have made sure that I left wherever they were living far, far away from where I was living.

I'm sorry to say that I'm going to have to deal with them for the rest of eternity - I'd really rather not get Rose on my back by throwing Emmett as far as I can throw him (which is quite far) and Alice would see me before I could do anything to Jasper, and I can't do anything to avoid her pesky pixie ability to be everywhere and stop everything she doesn't want to happen.

So, unfortunately, I'm forced to humiliate them with these pointless surveys - and this particular one was rather obviously directed at Emmett.

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Edward
2. Ed
3. Eddiekins (never again, Emmett)

THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
1. Student
2. Almost a soldier
3. ::coughs inconspicuously and writes 'Lover' in the smallest of cursive lettering::

THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. Forks, Washington
2. Chicago, Illinois
3. Rochester, New York

THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. I'd really prefer to listen to music.
2. ::enjoys game shows when no one is in the house::
3. ::draws a clean, neat line through the third space::

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN
1. United States of America
2. England
3. Italy

THREE FAVORITE BOOKS
1. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
2. Shakespeare's works
3. I've learned to appreciate Wuthering Heights...

THREE FAVORITE MOVIES
1. ::sighs:: Like I said, I really do prefer music.
2. ::in small lettering he writes 'A Walk to Remember'::
3. ::whistles innocently and ignores this space::

THREE FEARS
1. Losing Bella. To anything, or anyone.
2. I think that's honestly my only fear.
3. ::is quite surprised with himself::

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. I've been everywhere I'd like to go already - now, I'd just like to stay safe with Bella by my side.
2. ::calmly draws a line through the rest of the numbers::
3. ::line is drawn through this::

THREE OBSESSIONS:
1. Bella Swan.
2. Playing music.
3. Composing music.

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. Would you really like to know what I enjoy feasting on?
2. ::figures that everyone knew already and writes in smaller letters:: Mountain lions.
3. Deer will do, when there's nothing else.

THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. My wedding. ::grins broadly::
2. Seeing Bella again.
3. Making my fiancée my wife. ::grins again::

THREE PETS THAT YOU HAVE OWNED
1. I think I may have owned a cat when I was human.
2. Emmett - I like to think of him as my new cat. Quite docile, he is. ::smirks::
3. ::shakes head:: I've got nothing else.

THREE FRIENDS WHOM (I HOPE) WILL REPLY
1. Bella - ::grins:: I'd love to see her answers to this.
2. Alice - to get her irritated, trying to decide only three of her favourites.
3. Jasper - it'd be interesting to hear his answers.

THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS
1. Debussy
2. Harry Connick Jr. isn't bad.
3. Ben Folds - his softer songs are quite interesting to hear.

THREE FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH
1. Baseball, though it's never as exciting as when our family plays it.
2. Football - because it's quite the game to watch when there's nothing else on television.
3. I'd have to say hockey - a brief sojourn into Canada is quite the eye-opener.

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. I'd have to say some wine.
2. Perhaps - a diet Coke? ::grins::
3. ::crosses this space out::

I was quite sure that was going to end that - but Jasper had to take it further, and I'm afraid we're in an all-out war. This will be quite amusing while it lasts - and I assure you, it will last until I win.