Exile

It's, once again, not too surprising that I'm the first to post since our exile. We said August twentieth, and here I am, promptly on August twentieth. Well, it's quite late into August twentieth, but all the same, I am here.

Jasper is probably with Alice, Carlisle is definitely with Esme, and for all intents and purposes, I'd really rather not know where Emmett is. The answer to that question would most probably scar me for the rest of my existence.

I, for the most of the two months that I spent in exile from any form of electronic communication, spent much of my time with Bella. Of course, when I was not with Bella, I was researching, if you will. Scouting for new information, on one particular person.

You see, Emmett - my dear, dear brother - is entirely responsible for our banning from all things electronic. You can send him death threats any time you'd like. So, I thought that a lash back out at him would be the perfect way to get back into the swing of things.

And I think this picture would make anyone wonder, no?




I think our primary concern here is really - eyeliner, Emmett? Why, by the gods, why?

Ah, it's good to be back.

My birthday and Jasper Whitlock, among other things

Just this weekend - Saturday, to be precise - it was my 108th birthday. Though I'm not very party-happy, unlike Alice, this year was an unusually quiet celebration. Simply me and Bella, out in our meadow, together under the rare sun. I've been away from these blogs for that reason - I have better things to do on my birthday than to waste time on my brothers.

However, when I returned home, I did so to no birthday wishes other than from Rose, Alice, and Esme - and instead of the aforementioned lovely birthday wishes, I came home to none other than a list of things that should supposedly annoy me. Most of the items on that list were pointless, not irritating; but it did get me interested in lists. I spent some more time with my Bella, and we came up with a list that Jasper seemed to have omitted from his collection.

10 Ways to Annoy Jasper Hale

10. Beg him not to eat you.

9. Inform him that he seems to be the “depressed” Cullen.

8. Go up to him, look him in the eye and ask if he is hungry.

7. Spell his name with two “a”’s (Jaspar) and call him Jaspar Cullen. When he objects, saying his name is Jasper Hale, wave your hand at him and tell him all that blood must have gone to his brain.

6. Tell him only girls feel emotions. Then giggle and run away.

5. Dress up in a cape and fangs and leap out in front of him when he is least expecting it, proclaiming you have come to suck his blood.

4. Send out waves of lust and see how he reacts.

3. When he gets too close, make your fingers into the sign of the cross and cry, “The power of Christ compels you!”.

2. Splatter red paint all over his and Alice’s room and videotape his reaction.

And the Number One way to annoy Jasper Hale?

1. Whenever he says anything, snap to attention, shout “Sir, yes sir!” and salute, army style.

Perhaps Jasper shouldn't have posted his lists on my birthday. Then, he wouldn't have to face this - and everything else I have in store for him.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Jasper attacked Bella, and then took two cheap shots at me.

Would that be considered fair to me? No - no, not in anyone's definition of fair, I'm sure, except those who enjoy schadenfreude - German for 'taking pleasure in others' pain'. I admit, my shot at Alice probably wasn't the easiest thing for Jasper to take - which, admittedly, doesn't say much about his character - but I understand how that could have made him upset.

Bella, though? Attacking my Isabella? That was uncalled for - especially since I haven't been with her nearly as long as Emmett's been with Rose and Jasper's been with Alice. My Bella doesn't need this sort of idiocy in her life.

So, as the quote goes, 'Revenge is a dish best served cold,' and Jasper's about to eat a very cold meal.

As another quote goes, 'Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear,' and as I was just speaking of Jasper, I see it fitting for him to appear.




Could this be the reason that Alice recently became very interested in the art of hairdressing?

And, not to omit the other two, whom I'm sure will find another way to attack me in the very near future, here's a video, posted on www.youtube.com, that showcases three girls who have obviously foreseen who the true winner of this so-called 'blog war' will be.

Crossed the Line

This is too much.

Carlisle - really? My adoptive father; the one who changed me, the one I've respected for a century - stooping to Emmett's level? I think that this beyond ridiculous. Emmett, insinuating that I - that I believed that Esme was putting out when I was simply trying to make a point of how generous and kind our adoptive mother can be with us? How she allows him to believe insanities like his faith in himself as being 'the sex'? Preposterous.

But I am beyond being treated this way. It's time for revenge.

I never thought this would happen. I do have standards; might I say, higher than Jasper's and almost a million times higher than Emmett's. And now, I find myself stooping to his level - joining my adoptive father in the puddle of shame that is Emmett's squalid room. I'm not sure how Rose stands that.

Speaking of Emmett and Rose, I wonder what my dear sister would think of this.




Following the style of my dear brothers and father, I might want to ask you;

• I'm wondering why Emmett's locking lips with someone other than his Rose, his 'babe', as he says. Perhaps you have a better idea than me? Perhaps Rose herself has one?
• Now that I take a closer look - the little pixie with him looks suspiciously like Alice, when she was going through her phase with longer hair. I would never be one to say this about Esme, but Alice; her small, mischievious pixie body has its needs, and who knows if Jasper is enough to satisfy them? His quiet, pained exterior may not be enough for my malevolent sister. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Enough for now. I've destroyed my brothers enough for one night.

Alice should know that I was simply poking fun at her - Jasper deserves the brunt of the insults; after all, he's the one that can't satisfy you, right? And everyone knows that real men should be able to naturally satisfy their women.

Jasper And Emmett Can Be Quite Irksome When They'd Like To Be.

Writing that survey - it was never my intention to let things grow this big, this huge. It has grown exponentially without my consent; first Emmett, then Jasper joined in.

Recently - not three hours ago - Carlisle joined us. I'm not sure if these are only my thoughts on this, but I'm almost sure it doesn't signal something particularly pleasant when your adoptive father gets involved. We'll see what happens after Carlisle continues posting - though I'm quite sure that Jasper and Emmett won't pick on him as much as I'm sure they will continue to do with me.

Dear /Em-bear/ seems to think he is 'the sex' - well, frankly, I'm not quite sure where he got this idea. I don't think anyone but Rose could ever have encouraged him in this fickle belief - well, perhaps Esme. She is so giving that she might give a little too much for Emmett's insane faith in himself.

Jasper is having an identity crisis - well, well. He may not be questioning his own sexuality - Alice keeps him quite straight enough for that - but Maria, it appears, has blurred the lines; become a little ambiguous for the rest of us. I'm not quite sure what Alice will think of his fears - all I can assume is that it won't be anything warm and fuzzy.

Some people are so annoying sometimes. And, of course, it's always me that ends up stuck.